In any relationship, few things are as frustrating as feeling like you aren’t being heard. It’s a common complaint I hear from couples: “I don’t feel heard.” But this isn’t always about a lack of love or effort. Often, it’s about the quality of our listening.
True listening goes beyond simply hearing the words. It’s about a genuine desire to understand, to validate, and to show your partner that their feelings truly matter.
Why Listening Is So Critical
When communication breaks down, it’s usually because of unhelpful habits:
- Interrupting each other.
- Jumping straight to problem-solving instead of understanding.
- Getting defensive and preparing a counterargument.
- Tuning out emotionally.
These behaviors create distance and can build resentment over time. On the other hand, intentional listening is a powerful tool for building trust, emotional safety, empathy, and a stronger connection. It shows your partner that you’re an active participant in their emotional world, not just a passive audience.
An Everyday Skill: The Speaker-Listener Technique
One of the most effective tools for improving communication is the Speaker-Listener Technique. This simple exercise, often used in therapy, helps couples slow down and truly understand each other without getting sidetracked by emotions.
Here’s how to practice it:
- The Speaker’s Turn:
- Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs. For example, instead of saying, “You never call me back,” try, “I feel worried when you don’t call me because I care about your safety.”
- Focus on your own feelings and experiences, not on blaming your partner.
- The Listener’s Turn:
- Your only job is to listen without interrupting.
- Repeat back what you heard in your own words. For example: “So, what I hear you saying is that you feel worried when I don’t call because you care about my safety. Did I get that right?”
- Don’t argue, defend, or problem-solve. Just focus on making sure you understand their message.
- Switch Roles:
- Once the speaker feels understood, switch places. Now the listener gets a turn to speak and be heard.
Small Shifts, Big Results
You don’t need to do this for hours. Practicing the Speaker-Listener Technique for just 5–10 minutes a week can create significant change. It helps reduce misunderstandings, lower defensiveness, and increase emotional closeness.
Remember, listening isn’t about solving every problem right away—it’s about saying, “I see you. You matter to me.”
Ready to Rebuild Your Connection?
If you and your partner are feeling stuck in the same old communication patterns, you’re not alone. Couples counseling offers a safe, guided space to learn these skills together and start rebuilding your connection.
